Hi there, I’ve been away for several weeks. A lot has happened since my last post. For starters, I made significant strides in getting my life back on the right track career wise, and at home to some extent. On my last post I talked about what was eating me, things that were really driving me to destructive and dysfunctional behaviors. It’s taken me some time to process what I’ve learned about myself, accept it, and learn how things from my past have contributed on how I perceive things, how I deal with relationships, the things I’m attracted to, but more importantly, the reason such things attract me. Understanding more about the darkness I’ve come out of has really helped me curve my behavior and stop myself from falling into the same mistakes I’ve committed in the past.
Over the past month I’ve discovered how truly dysfunctional my thought process has really been. Partly because of chapters of my past I chose not to deal with because of the pain felt in dealing with situations I was never prepared to deal with as a child. What happened in my past is not important to say at this point, but for most of my life I carried an enormous weight for things I was not responsible for, things that in turn made me identify more with pain. I identified with pain in such a way, that I could relate to those in pain more so than with those who for the most part had normal lives. Not that understanding another person’s plight is a bad thing, but there’s something terribly wrong with running towards danger, dysfunction, and drama, confusing the sense of despair, desperation, and pain, with uninterested and unconditional love. I took me a while to realize I was holding on to unnecessary feelings out of my own insecurities. I suddenly realized that most of my significant relationships shared common factors such as pain, victimization, and the need to be rescued. Here again, we are all human, and we’ve all experience pain in our lives at some point or another, but these factors should not be the focal point of a relationship, and they certainly should not be what is attractive about someone. As fucked up as that may sound, yeah, that’s exactly how dysfunctional my thought process has been.
I can honestly say I’ve come to terms with certain aspects of my life, and I can definitely see the forest from the trees at this point. It’s kind of like finding “Waldo” in one of those busy drawings. The first time around you can spend hours looking for Waldo, but once you’ve spotted him, it’s hard not to see him, you can find him time and time again in that same picture. That’s exactly how I feel about learning a little more about myself. Things I thought I would never get over, or things that have taken me a long time to get a grasp on, are suddenly so clear. I no longer feel the need to run towards drama. I no longer feel that empty void within me, that empty feeling that has been driving me to push some people away while running full speed ahead in the wrong direction. There are some days that are harder than others, but even on the difficult days I can still manage to catch myself, I can still see Waldo if you will. So what am I saying? Does this mean I’m good? No it doesn’t, but I’m glad I’m better than who I was a few months back. Does this mean my marriage is safe? No it doesn’t, but I have a better understanding of what’s driving my behavior, and I’m willing to take responsibility for my own shortcomings.
Today I can say I have a better sense of direction, and I’m actually beginning to pick up the pieces again. I’m happy to say I’ve been accepted back into graduate school and I’m looking forward to submerging myself into the world of academia once again. This is something I’ve always been passionate about and I’m extremely proud of myself for making the comeback, for telling myself it’s time to get my act together again, for dusting myself off and moving forward. I’m certain I will still have other moments of adversity, but I will never give up on myself, never have, it’s why I’m still standing. I’ve been to the edge, but I’ve always refused let go and to fall. My experiences have only made me stronger, and they will definitely give me plenty to draw from to help others. Are there other factors in my life that influence my behavior? Of course there are.
I don’t consider myself a religious person, but I know religion has played a significant role in how I think. Although I believe spirituality is a more important factor in my life today, religion was an extremely socializing force in my early development. That same religion contributes to my concept of spirituality today because of the foundational moral values instilled in me at a very early age. Although today I do not look at every act as a sin or a non-sin, at some point in my life I did, and while I have a more accepting world view today, there are still some core values that dictate how I interact with others and how I behave in relationships. I can even say there’s a rebellious side of me when it comes to religion. I say this because even though I’m not on an anti-Christian crusade, and I don’t think about the religious establishment that much, the fact that I don’t subscribe to many of the established norms makes me a rebel by definition. I can honestly say that I allow myself to behave outside of some of the moral norms established by “faith” because I believe that a spiritual relationship is greater than any concept taught in church today; it's the sense of connecting with the world, with mankind, and responsibility of doing something for the greater good rather than teaching there is only one way to make to "heaven". At the same time I know that at some level, the core values that are still with me, at some point cause dissonance within me when I’m violating any of those values that still influences me. For instance, while I may give myself permission to pursue happiness if in fact I feel I have not achieved it with a given person, I will feel uncomfortable about beginning an affair without giving my existing relationship proper closure. The operating value here would be faithfulness to your significant other, a value that is well established within in me. Have I ever gone against this value? I certainly have, but I’ve never felt great about it. In fact, I hated the fact that I had to seek for affection elsewhere and I wondered if this was just the way I was. Would I ever be able to have a significant relationship without wanting other women? To me there is the difference between being a “dog” and simply not knowing what you’re looking for. If you don’t know what you’re looking for, you may confuse one emotion with another and before you know it, you’re sucked into a difficult web to untangle. But the core value has always been in me, the feeling of being unfair to someone else has always been stronger, it’s always created enough dissonance to question what I’m truly looking for whenever I have strayed away. As I learn more about myself I can better identify where I stand with every person that is close to me today. There are still other mysteries to uncover within me. I haven’t even begun to look for my family, but one step out of time I guess. Today I’m just happy for being somewhat at peace with myself. Stay tunned….
