I was speaking to my counselor the other day and I casually mentioned to him that I suddenly picked up on blogging again. We began to talk about the reasons I decided to pick up blogging again. You see, I feel that blogging is a great source of escape for me. Not only I’m able to keep mind off of my reality for a few hours, I’m also engaging into something that elicits passion within me. I often begin writing about things that bother me socially, things I have a passion for such as race relations, cultural differences, politics, and how all these things connect with one another. As I began to open up to my counselor, it was almost as if we broke the patient counselor dynamic and we connected on a more personal level because we shared many views. The main observation my counselor made at that point was that it was probably the first time I ever spoke to him about something I felt passionate about. So why in the world am I seeing a counselor to begin with? What the hell is wrong with me that I need to see a counselor? Good questions, you see I happen to be in a pretty dark place right now. No of course I have not thought of ending my life. I care far too much about my children to do something as selfish as that. With that said, my struggle has really taken a toll on me.
My personal relationships have taken so much out of me that I barely have time to think about myself, about the things that keep me alive, the things I live for, the things I want to die doing. Of course, my responsibility as a father is one of great priority to me, and frankly it’s the only thing that keeps me going nowadays. But personal unhappiness can do terrible things to one’s personal dreams, aspirations, to the degree in which one even enjoys every breath taken. I have nobody to blame for my tribulations but myself. I would just love to understand why is that I put myself through these ridiculous behavioral cycles that only end up confusing me further, complicating my life and making it an unbearable torturous journey that simply begs for an ending. I know I had a pretty dysfunctional childhood to say the least. I know I discovered too many things way too early, which makes for a much quicker maturation. You know for the most part I try to live my life by the golden rule. Always trying to do what’s right, always trying to give something back, to make someone better for knowing me. But as I’ve recently discovered, I have the tendency of doing too much, of trying to be a hero for everyone, of always trying to lighten someone else’s burden without any regard for my own. What the fuck am I trying to prove here? Why in the world would I put myself through so much pain? Why would I blindly give and give, and sacrifice my own sanity for an impossible mission by design? Validation is an incredible motivator. But why do I feel the need to constantly validate my worth? This is where it gets complicated, where most of the digging needs to take place. I’ll be the first to tell you how proud of a man I am. You see, I’ll be the last one to ask for help, I can do it all on my own, and if you act like you don’t need me, then you will never receive the slightest acknowledgement from me. But deep inside there’s this side of me that just yearns to be accepted, yearns to be wanted, to be needed, and I hate it. This type of thinking that has dictated so many decisions in my life, many I would say not the wisest ones. You see I can listen to your problems all day long, I can give you honest and sound advice, and I can separate my personal feelings from a given situation and be perfectly fine. But whenever I involve my feelings I always seem to fuck something up. I expect the impossible, set myself up for the impossible, or end up impossibly unhappy with the choices I’ve made.
Believe it or not what troubles me the most are the people I hurt in the process of righting all my wrongs. People who cannot possibly understand every single thing that went through my mind to involve them in my life, people who one way or the other invested themselves in me without knowing that I may one day be a source of great pain for them. People who at some point needed so much of me and mostly got every possible thing from me but now must face my reality, the realization that I enabled a behavior of expectations I can no longer sustain. But why is that I seem to go through such a rollercoaster in my relationships? Well, the best I can come up with at this point is because I look for all the wrong things in a person I’m attracted to. I look for the drama; I look for the sense of adventure, mixed in with a rescue mission, an incredible need to be saved, to be depended on to make things better. Sometimes it even involves convenience. Needless to say, none of these things lead to a blissful and fulfilling relationship. These things have nothing to do with my likes and dislikes, with common ground, with finding someone who accepts me for who I am, not what I am or what I can do. I often characterize my current relationship as one I sleepwalked through, until I woke up one day. I’m not going to say I have no love for this woman, mother of the most beautiful daughter I could’ve ever asked for, but I didn’t of course. My point is that even as I dove further and further into this relationship I gave up on things I promised myself I wouldn’t go through again, including having another child. I will own up to my responsibility as a father, but the thought that the rest of my life was being decided for me really left me at a lost, in a deep inner struggle. Why am I here? Is this what I want? Am I being acknowledged? Do I have a say in how am I to live the rest of my life? Am I in love with this woman? Or was I just comfortable? Until now that is… As I’ve grown older, I have been able to understand myself just a little better albeit there’s still so much more to learn. But my biggest question today is whether I’m actually cut out to be with someone. Or am I supposed to take this walk on my own? There are so many things that I’d rather just share with myself, including this entire blogging process. Not that I don’t know that whatever I post is out there for anyone to read, but the process is mine, and mine alone. No one wants to grow old alone, I really don’t think I’m the exception, but there are journeys that are best embarked alone. There’s just too much I want to uncover, but I don’t want company on this. I can’t remember the last time I had a sense of completeness. I might’ve thought I felt complete on one occasion or another, but the closest I’ve been to that is when I was free, when I had all my time to myself, where I could just dive into whatever it was I needed to do. Sure there were some lonely nights, but there was nothing wrong with being able to listen to my own thoughts. I met some of the most interesting people during that time in my life, and I enjoyed every bit of my freedom. It had nothing to do with being a man-whore although I had my share crazy nights and easy lays. It was all about the free will, the choice to do so, and the choice to continue the path of self-discovery I have somewhat deviated from. Trust me, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life falling in and out of love, from relationship to relationship, but I must always be true to myself. This is why I have a counselor, because I know there is something terribly wrong with my relationship dynamic. I honestly don’t know if I can save this relationship, but I know I can’t go on living like this. I can no longer continue to kill myself, who I really am. This is an extremely painful process for me. I hate not being able to change anything because of finances as well. I’ve really tried to talk myself into trying, into wanting to stay, but I honestly don’t know how to change this anymore. Would things be different if we weren’t struggling financially so much? Most like, but how would they be different? Things would’ve definitely been different if our problems would’ve been taken seriously much sooner, before all this shit hit the fan. The one thing I would like to do right is be fair. I cannot begin another relationship without ending the one I’m in, something I’ve been guilty of in the past. Not to mention all that has ever done for me is confuse me even more and get me into so much more trouble. I don’t even have the strength to think about another relationship right now, can’t do it, won’t do it, been there before.
I’ve shared a lot of my personal life on this blog, but this is something I’ve never talked about. I must admit this has been one of the most difficult topics I’ve covered because it’s pretty much about how fucked up my thought process is right now as it relates to my personal life. I’m simply trying to get all this pain and confusion all in one place, let it out, read it back to myself from time to time, and work on not giving up on myself. There are too many things I need to share with you, with the world, with everyone who has ever come across me. I just want to be happy; I want to be at peace with myself. I want to be able to lay my head down at night and hear absolutely nothing. I’ve always been a man of integrity, a man that likes to live up to his own responsibilities. Being responsible also involves being honest and owning up to wrongs that must be righted. I want to be able to breathe again, even if that means enduring a little more pain.
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